Stay
by Burrberry Bugsy
Summary: "I'm still in love with who I wish you were.." Sometimes, you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve. One-shot. EPOV. Dedicated to a good friend of mine.


**Author's Notes: **At the bottom. But as a side note, lyrics are the centered italicized part. But I'm sure you all already knew that. Hehe.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight. Or the characters, or the song _Wish You Were _by Kate Voegele.

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**Stay**

**One-shot**

**By: Burrberry Bugsy**

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_Gone away are the golden days  
Just a page in my diary  
So here I am - a utopian citizen_

I straightened my tie and grunted in annoyance at the crow's nest atop my head that I called hair. My dad had straight hair that stayed tame without the use of hair gel. My mother's natural waves were envied by many. Why couldn't I have inherited their good hair genes? Why did I have to get stuck with crazy strands that refused to stay put even with the most expensive products out there?

With a sigh, I decided it would be best if I just gave up.

It's not like it mattered if my hair looked like a mother freaking haystack.

She loved me all the same.

Even if I didn't deserve it.

_I'm still convinced there's no such thing as idealism.  
Memories they're following me like a shadow now  
And I'm dreamin'  
Cause I've already suffered the fever of disbelief_

I grabbed the bouquet of wildflowers sitting on my bed and made my way to the Volvo sitting in my driveway. I smiled at the picture of her and I taped to the button of my hazard lights, remembering the playful argument her and I had had while trying to figure out the best area to place it.

I told her it couldn't be over the speedometer and she made sure I didn't put it over the gauge that determined how much gas there was in the car. Eventually, we both decided the dashboard was probably not the best place for a photograph, and instead settled for the hazards.

The dimly lit streets of Seattle flew by as I lost myself in all the thoughts of us together.

Bella and I were far from perfect. She had her problems and I had mine.

There'd been plenty of times where I wished so fucking hard that I could be different, or wished she could be different so it'd be easier on the both of us. See, the thing is, two people like us shouldn't have worked out.

We were too different. We wanted different lives, different things...

Never in a million years should we have come together as fittingly as we did.

We shouldn't have worked.

But somehow, we just did.

_I've seen your act and I know all the facts  
I'm still in love with who I wish you were  
_

I pulled up against the curb of our favorite restaurant and told the hostess I'd had a reservation for two underneath Edward Cullen. With a kind smile, she led me to a candlelit table in the back, telling me a server would be with me shortly to take my order.

In a few minutes, the hostess kept true to her word and a waitress asked what I'd like to drink. After ordering a glass of my favorite wine, I placed the flowers on the table and stared at the familiar menu, already knowing what both Bella and I would want.

She'd pick the mushroom ravioli and I'd pick the roasted vegetali pizza.

That's where the differences would come in again. I hated mushrooms and she loved them. It grossed me out to watch her eat them like nothing, pulling them out of the ravioli and popping them into her mouth like it was such a casual thing to do.

And when I'd eat my pizza, she'd snort and say if I wanted that many vegetables as a meal, I would have been better off getting a salad. It would lead to bickering, which was usually followed by us not speaking.

...For a good five or six minutes, at tops.

Then, we'd go right back to being that "opposites-attract couple" that loved the fucking hell out of each other.

Like I said, we shouldn't have worked, but we just did.

_It ain't hard to see who you are underneath.  
I'm still in love with who I wish you were._

But as much as I loved her and she loved me, we were still two messed up people trying to find any kind of right in the other.

Our different wants and needs clashed constantly, and though we always promised we'd get through it, it became increasingly difficult to get ourselves to believe that.

One day, it got to be too much for her.

Then, she was gone before I could beg her to stay.

_And I wish you were here_

After being a part of each other's lives for years, I should have known the most logical thing to do would be to ask her to marry me.

But, I didn't.

I asked her to wait and threw excuses at her time and time again because I was scared. I was a goddamned coward, trapped within the fear of committing myself completely even though she was absolutely in love with the idea of being with someone for so long.

I was selfish and my needs came before hers.

I refused to give her what she wanted, like the asshole I was.

But, despite all that, she stayed as long as she could, even though I never gave her what she deserved.

_Now I find denial in my eyes  
I'm mesmerized by the picture that's in my mind_

Bella loved me with every part of her body and I knew that better than anyone. Over and over again, I asked myself why I couldn't just give her the one thing that would forever make her happy.

"I just want to be with you, Edward," she told me. "Always."

It was the same story every single time.

I always told her "no".

Repeated it again and again to force it into her brain. Threw it in her face when she refused to accept my answer. Made her cry because I acted as if I didn't want her even though I really fucking did.

It wasn't fair to either of us.

But for the longest time, we just couldn't find it in each other to let go.

Until the one day "no" became the bane of my existence.

"You already know how I feel about that!" I remember screaming.

"I know how you feel, Edward," she'd say, "but sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve. You deserve to be happy – _we_ deserve to be happy, together!"

She begged. I denied. She pleaded. I still denied. She sobbed. I stayed quiet.

Then, she looked at me. And I expected the "You're right... It's a silly thing to ask for."

Same answer, same results right?

Wrong.

Instead of hearing what I was used to hearing, she simply replied with, "Fine."

And she left without another word.

_Tell me when I'll finally see your heart for what it is  
'Cause I don't want to keep on believin' in illusions_

"Excuse me sir," the waitress kindly spoke, bringing me out of my thoughts. "Did you want another glass of wine?"

I stared at the empty seat across me and the flowers sitting idly on the table. "Yes, that'd be lovely. Thank you."

I kept my eyes on the door, thinking maybe if I wished hard enough, all my mistakes would be forgiven and she'd be right there with open arms to forgive. That if I wished with everything I had in me, she'd take me back and kiss me and love me until the world ceased to exist.

I just wanted to make everything right.

I just wanted her back.

_No no no...  
Cause I've seen your act  
And I know all the facts_

Finally, I tore my eyes away from the entrance of the restaurant and traced the outline of the small square box tucked inside the pocket of my pants.

The images of Bella sobbing happy tears, of white gowns and wedding veils, of children running around, of two people who loved each other more than anything growing old together... All of it filled my head as I watched the waitress pour the wine until it reached the middle of my glass.

"Date didn't show up?" she asked quietly.

I raised my green eyes up and smiled kindly. She was most likely doing her best to be polite and I appreciated that. "No, I guess not."

_I'm still in love who I wish you were._

"Was there anything else you wanted, sir? Our special tonight is the zucchini fettuccine."

"No, thank you. The wine was good enough." I grabbed for my wallet, figuring it would probably be best if I just gave up my table to some other party waiting since I hadn't planned on eating anyway.

I tried to hand her my card, but she shook her head and refused. "It's on me, sir. Have a good night."

_It ain't hard to see who you are underneath,  
I'm still in love with who I wish you were.  
And I wish you were here._

With Bella's bouquet in hand, I left the restaurant and drowned out all the hushed whispers of everyone who pitied the fact that I had gotten stood up. After getting into my car, I sighed heavily and slammed my head into the steering wheel, feeling the terrible ache of my heart rip through me yet again.

How had things gotten so bad?

How did I end up wishing I had done so many things differently?

How did I ever tell her "no"?

"Fuck..." I softly muttered, raking my fingers through my hair. "_Fuck!_"

_Sometimes I can't explain  
And I'm so sorry that I can't_

I looked at the clock and sighed again. It was getting late and if I didn't hurry, by the time I'd get to where I needed and wanted to be, it'd be past midnight.

That wasn't an option.

I wanted to make things right. _Needed_ to make them right.

Without another thought, I pulled away from the restaurant and sped down the darkened streets, keeping the little black box in mind.

_I'll try to concentrate on your true identity  
Cause I've seen your act,  
And I know all the facts_

After going past every single speed limit imaginable, I put my car in park, grabbed the flowers, and stepped out. With every breath I took and every inch I walked, the fear within in me bubbled more and more.

There were so many things I did wrong.

So many things I could have made right...

_I'm still in love with who I wish you were  
It ain't hard to see who you are underneath_

I stopped once I reached my destination, clutching the wildflowers tighter as I released a breath I didn't even realize I'd been holding.

_**ISABELLA MARIE CULLEN**_  
REST IN PARADISE  
September 13th, 1985 – March 27th, 2010

_I'm still in love with who I wish you were_

"Hi, baby," I whispered to her gravestone, fingering the letters engraved as I choked back a sob. "Happy anniversary."

I dropped the bouquet and sighed shakily, running my freehand over the dampness of my face. "How are you doing? Can you believe it's been, what, six years as of today? Six years since the first time I kissed you and you punched me in the face," I paused. "...And two years since you've been gone."

_Gone_.

An image of her in a hospital bed flashed through my mind. I saw myself wanting to murder the already dead drunk driver who had slammed into her. I saw all of my friends and family holding my shuddering body as I groaned in agony. I saw myself screaming, begging, crying, _pleading_ the doctors to help her. To revive her. To bring her back to me.

_They couldn't_.

Even though I so fucking desperately wished they could.

Two years...

Where had the time gone?

There were days where time seemed to pass by so slowly. Where time mocked me and made me suffer as I prayed for a better tomorrow. Then, there were other days where I looked at my calendar and wondered how in the hell time had gone by so quickly.

But, no matter how fast or slow things went by, I still missed her.

Every. Single. Day.

My throat constricted and the pain ate away at my skin as I cried shamelessly, doing my best to let her know how things were going. "Charlie's... doing okay. Him and Sue are great, and she's finally gotten him to go dancing with her at night. My mom and dad are in Hawaii right now since they renewed their vows. They promised to bring me back one of those funky floral shirts, too."

I continued after taking a breath. "Alice and Jazz are moving to New York. And Em and Rose are having another kid. They all... miss you." I pushed the bouquet of wildflowers closer to her gravestone, noticing the picture of her and I slowly turning a yellowish brown color. It was the same one taped onto my hazards.

The same picture I stared at every day.

My vision blurred again upon realizing how happy I once was. How happy the both of us could have been, had I just... _Fuck_. I sobbed, "God, baby, I miss you so much. Every day. I want this to get easier, but it never does because you're not here with me. You're not here anymore."

I brokenheartedly stared at the name engraved, ISABELLA MARIE CULLEN. I had no right to tell them to put CULLEN instead of SWAN, but I wanted it no other way. She was mine and I wanted to make damn sure the world to know that.

She could have been mine.

_Mine_...

Damn it all. My soul fell apart as it all came rushing back at me. "I wanted _so_ badly to give you everything. I wanted to make you happy, but I never could. I was too selfish, too scared... And now, look at where it's gotten me. I'm all alone, Bella. I'm here without you, living my life while you're gone, and it's all my fault." I pulled the black box out and opened it, the diamond ring laughing back at my face. "I wanted to make you happy..."

More tears. "Please believe me when I tell you that. There was nothing I wanted more than your happiness. I know I fucked up, I know I pushed you away. I can't tell you how sorry I am because of it. I should have asked you to stay. I wanted to. I _really_, fucking wanted you to stay." And, more tears. "Do you know what I'd do just to have you with me again, Bella? ...I'd do _anything_. Anything and everything if I could just hold you one last time. If I could just... _see_ you once more. But, I can't. Because I'm here. And you're there. And... I let you leave, even though it should have never been that way."

I pulled the ring from the soft cushioning of the box, sadly admiring the way it glinted slightly in the moonlight. "I wish I had gotten to make you my wife the proper way. It's something I will regret until I'm back at your side, but if you could find it in yourself to forgive me," I placed the band on the soil, covering its existence with her favorite flowers. "...I'll make it up to you when we meet again."

I kissed the tips of my fingers and held her name in my hands, sighing again as my sorrow rolled down my cheeks. "I love you, sweetheart. So much. Don't ever forget that." I stood up. "I'll see you soon, then."

_And I wish you were here._

As the moon shone throughout the blackened sky, I walked back to my car with the despair still in my heart and the longing for her touch still torching my skin. I missed her. More than I think anyone would ever know.

And until I got to see her again, I'd wear her name permanently over my heart as a reminder that someday, I'd get to be with her the way we both knew we should have been along. "Goodbye, Bella."

_...I wish you were here..._

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**Author's Notes:** Wrote this one-shot for my friend Alvin, who has just recently lost his girlfriend of two years. May she rest in peace. I love you, Alvin. Stay strong, for all of us, and most of all, _for her_.

Review, or don't. Either is okay. This was written for a friend, but if you'd like to share your thoughts or any similar experiences, feel free to leave me something to read.

Love,  
_**BB**_


End file.
